I am writing about about my experience of Psychosis, this time of year six years ago. I had descended into it in the early hours of the morning on 21 March 2012. It was dark of the moon, and I was driving across Australia on a spiritual quest. At the heart of my quest was my need to make amends to Indigenous people for my behaviour during my drinking years
My mood had dramatically crashed at dawn on the equinox, i had driven my car at 120 kph for seven hours, too afraid to stop, too afraid to turn around, paralysed with fear to such an extent that all I could do was keep doing what I was doing, which was driving west as fast as my car could go.
Even the Nullarbor has an ending though. Eventually I came to the small settlement of Norseman. I drove warily around the town for awhile. Then I mustered the courage to stop. Powerful forces were at play in mind. The people gathered at the cafe I stopped at were all Aboriginal. My journey was one of healing around my relationships with blackfellas. Those who know my story know how much I harmed some Aboriginal who were closest to me of anyone.
But my mind was influenced by feelings of utter despair that were a physical sensation to me. I actually felt sick in my stomach, and had feverish chills and hot flushes affecting my whole body. My mind started believing these Aboriginal people could read my thoughts. Mostly they were friendly, at worst they just ignored me, but i "knew" they saw me as a fraud. Someone who acted tough, but was really a sissy.
There was phone cover here so I rang my twelve step sponsor. I was guarded in what I told him. I just said I was very frightened, and that I was having a panic attack. I didn't mention the delusional ideas, or the intrusive thinking about a tantrum throwing god. He told me everyone feels fear on their spiritual journey. He said I could turn around, but I may find I have to do it all again some time in the future I rang my mum, and she implored me to turn around.I compromised by turning left and driving down to Esperance, instead of turning right and heading north. Country Western Australia is the wrong place to be if you are having delusional ideas about Aboriginal people being able to read your mind.
There are no white people, except in shops. Everyone you see is black. I just had to keep driving. I have only ever been to Esperance once. I was obviously quite unwell, so I am not sure how it would look to a sane person. But to me it is a parody of a seaside town, created by a cynical post modern god. The countryside driving down there is heartbreakingly dry. There are farms but how anything grows is beyond me. The ponds and lakes are bordered by a crust of salt. Mostly there is no water at all. It is just completely flat. There are gum trees at least, but even they look defeated by this post-apocalyptic landscape.
And then you get to Esperance itself. I have been to some weird outposts of western civilisation in my time. Broome, in the north of Western Australia is a classic example, bewigged robed Barristers looking casual outside a colonial courthouse, while the victims of their system argue loudly and laugh unconcernedly in other languages sitting under coconut palms outside. Esperance seemed more menacing. All the trapping of a seaside town, but the coast itself was just rolling hills, that rolled into beaches and ocean. Where were the jagged cliffs and crashing waves? And again the only people in the streets were black. Where were all the white people? Hiding in their houses from the weird landscape? Well that was what I did.
I found a caravan park that had a cabin vacant, and booked in. It was a trauma speaking to the receptionist, but I managed. I tried to pretend I was a normal holiday maker and took the tourist drive around town. Just to really make the landscape look alien, in case there were some brave people who were not done in (probably germans, they have a capacity for coping with alien landscapes that astonishes me- read my as yet unwritten blog called "German Tourists"). Just to really make things look weird, there is a Pink Lake. I went back and hid in my cabin drinking cups of strong coffee made on my portable cooker.
He told me we all feel fear when we are on our spiritual journeys, he said I could turn back, but I may need to try again some day
But my mind was influenced by feelings of utter despair that were a physical sensation to me. I actually felt sick in my stomach, and had feverish chills and hot flushes affecting my whole body. My mind started believing these Aboriginal people could read my thoughts. Mostly they were friendly, at worst they just ignored me, but i "knew" they saw me as a fraud. Someone who acted tough, but was really a sissy.
There was phone cover here so I rang my twelve step sponsor. I was guarded in what I told him. I just said I was very frightened, and that I was having a panic attack. I didn't mention the delusional ideas, or the intrusive thinking about a tantrum throwing god. He told me everyone feels fear on their spiritual journey. He said I could turn around, but I may find I have to do it all again some time in the future I rang my mum, and she implored me to turn around.I compromised by turning left and driving down to Esperance, instead of turning right and heading north. Country Western Australia is the wrong place to be if you are having delusional ideas about Aboriginal people being able to read your mind.
There are no white people, except in shops. Everyone you see is black. I just had to keep driving. I have only ever been to Esperance once. I was obviously quite unwell, so I am not sure how it would look to a sane person. But to me it is a parody of a seaside town, created by a cynical post modern god. The countryside driving down there is heartbreakingly dry. There are farms but how anything grows is beyond me. The ponds and lakes are bordered by a crust of salt. Mostly there is no water at all. It is just completely flat. There are gum trees at least, but even they look defeated by this post-apocalyptic landscape.
And then you get to Esperance itself. I have been to some weird outposts of western civilisation in my time. Broome, in the north of Western Australia is a classic example, bewigged robed Barristers looking casual outside a colonial courthouse, while the victims of their system argue loudly and laugh unconcernedly in other languages sitting under coconut palms outside. Esperance seemed more menacing. All the trapping of a seaside town, but the coast itself was just rolling hills, that rolled into beaches and ocean. Where were the jagged cliffs and crashing waves? And again the only people in the streets were black. Where were all the white people? Hiding in their houses from the weird landscape? Well that was what I did.
I found a caravan park that had a cabin vacant, and booked in. It was a trauma speaking to the receptionist, but I managed. I tried to pretend I was a normal holiday maker and took the tourist drive around town. Just to really make the landscape look alien, in case there were some brave people who were not done in (probably germans, they have a capacity for coping with alien landscapes that astonishes me- read my as yet unwritten blog called "German Tourists"). Just to really make things look weird, there is a Pink Lake. I went back and hid in my cabin drinking cups of strong coffee made on my portable cooker.
He told me we all feel fear when we are on our spiritual journeys, he said I could turn back, but I may need to try again some day
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