I have been telling the story of my psychotic episode six years ago. I spent three days holed up in a cabin in Esperance in Western Australia trying to muster the courage for a next move. The caravan park was packed and each day I would approach the owner/receptionist and beg permission to stay one more night. Eventually she said no. It had been a reprieve, but everywhere I looked I saw tragedy.
In the park, living in a large tent, was an Aboriginal family of Grandma, mum and a boy and a girl. I wanted to befriend those people to find out what had happened, but my fear kept me quiet. I knew they were living there because every morning the kids were turned out spic and span in their school uniforms. That would be a hard way to be a student at primary school.
But I had to move on. I had decided to have another go at reaching my destination. But I knew as soon as i headed west again instead of east that it was a mistake. There is no coastal plain as you head out from Esperance, it just becomes scratchy farmland straight away. The roads are narrow and poorly maintained. My heart kept getting heavier and heavier as I headed west.
At a town called Ravensthorpe (I think), i turned right. I had decided to head for Merredin, which is on the main Highway, I could make a final decision about where to head when I got there. By the 24th of March you would think it would be getting cool, but every day on this excursion through hell was hotter than the one before.
My travels took me to Hyden, which is home to a natural phenomenon called Wave Rock. I forced myself to detour to look at it. But the waves of nausea just got stronger and stronger. Parking in 40 degree heat, already so tired I could not move, I ought to have given up. But I pressed grimly on. There is an aspect to how I feel that I have not really touched on. I feel as though I am privy to secret knowledge about how shit everything is. So I am better than everyone else, but it is meaningless because God hates us.The Psychiatrists talk about this, its called Grandiosity. I am full of it at the best of times, in my madness it tries to kill me.
Secret knowledge, therein lies the heart of the issue. Selfishness, however described is the source of all my dilemmas. Even in the very depths of despair I feel, and know, I am better than everyone else. And I am therefore worse. If only I could change my ideas around this simply, but they are hard wired.
I hope I never see Wave Rock again. I think that was the lowest I got. And I knew, I would have to turn around. But I still had a few more hours of Psychosis. There is a Town starting with K, in between Hyden and Merredin where there is fully signed Golden Fleece service station. I knew I should love this place and take pictures on my phone, but all I could do was buy petrol. It was staffed by two young Aboriginal women. I wanted to chat, but could not. I read on the wall that the service station was operated by the local Aboriginal corporation.
Then I walked outside. Two young Aboriginal men tried to engage me in conversation. I was terrified and jumped in car and drove off. I never actually got to Merredin. You come to a T junction just to the east of the town. I turned east, away from my demons, away from my journey, back to the comfortable discomfort of my everyday life.
The episode was not over, not be a long chalk. I had about twelve months of undiagnosed depression to go. But that was the worst of it. The trip back across Australia was terrible. All the white people were still serial killers and all the black people could still read my mind. But I was heading towards safety. I had given up my quest to throw the magic ring into the fire of Mt Doom. And it was a major relief.
My sponsor was right though. I did have to make that journey again later.
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